I almost forgot that I brought toast..
I'm trying to eat breakfast
I'm going running after school.

I take a bite of my toast
And half of it is plastic bag
Because I wasn't paying attention
Cold toast isnt very fun.

I called Aunt Shell last night
first time i've ever called her
Told her graduation was coming
Not too soon after, she'll be coming.
I want to go home, Aunt Shell.
I want to move back to Idaho and be a teacher.
I don't want to be in the Air Force.
Maybe my skin is God's way of telling me no.
Do you believe in God?

Did I mention, the shirt I chose out of the counseling office
Says "you shall love the lord your god"
Do I believe in God?

Is it too blasphemous to say
I am my own God
Built of ash and agony
Would you crucify me?

I tear at my toast
And think of home
The ice in the canal
We were so afraid would crack--
Cracked roads filled with potholes
Waiting for bloody hands, knees, and salty tears,
With you to console me as I stagger inside...
Standing outside an empty house
Never "goodbye"...
Summer sun stinging at my cheeks
As I play like a child in the water
History with Engbers
You and I in our boots
Dominating the school
Because we...
We were just that cool.

I am grown up now...
Cruising up and down these worn out roads
Seeing my life flash before me
Working 7 days a week
Hardly seeing the effort I've made
Starving and losing weight
Devoid of life, but living
Stringing along men with a wink and a grin
To amuse my loneliness
Fake-falling in love
To be over him
Even if it doesn't ever work...

It's been over a year...

I graduate in 84 days
I see him in 84 days...

If I'm allowed, I'll drive an hour
To see my current boytoy
We don't see eachother breaking up
Every relationship has its bumps
I'd be stupid to just give up

My heart...
My heart is not his...
Not when I dream of another's arms...
Not when I dream of a life where I am alive...
I want to go home...

really matters anymore

leave |me| alone

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